dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
