Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
