he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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