me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
