Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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