look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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