i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She bit a glass in half.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
