Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
