Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
