somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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