So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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