It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
