My sheets look like a crime scene.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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