from now on my penis is your penis
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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