dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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