So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
