she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
