I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
how drunk are you?
Several
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
