Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
