so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
