oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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