Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
