If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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