Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
