I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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