what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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