Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
