his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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