Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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