Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
