Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
