just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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