I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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