thus making me awesome and them whores
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize