hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
