hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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