Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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