saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my being single is dangerous.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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