i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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