just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize