If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
