my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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