You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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