Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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