Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
