I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize