I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
