He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
