I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize