I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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