I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
