You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
