omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
