Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
