you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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