The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
