also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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