filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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